1 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:09,200 All the noise and the mess 2 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,640 3 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:17,800 To somewhere where the birds still sing? 4 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:23,000 And a country house 5 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:26,120 6 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,920 It'll come to pass 7 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,080 8 00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:36,960 9 00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:41,880 This is the very latest in air-freshening devices. 10 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,520 I bet David Beckham got one of them. 11 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,400 He's got two. 12 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:52,560 Inside there is a timer device which you can place on any number of settings. 13 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:56,800 Every half hour, every hour or even every two hours. 14 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,600 This one's set for every ten minutes. 15 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:01,720 Then what happens, ma'am? 16 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:06,800 It will squirt a teeny bit of air-freshener into the room. 17 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:11,040 I'm telling you two this 'cause the first time I used it, it frightened the dog. 18 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:13,960 Thank you, ma'am. 19 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,400 -Morning, young Bethany. -Morning, Mrs Cakeworthy. 20 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,840 Oh, ain't that nice? 21 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,120 Oh, young love and all the guffling. 22 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,840 Oh, those dreams of never-ending summers, 23 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,720 gentle kisses and golden fields. 24 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,520 Promises made that can never be stolen. 25 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:51,920 Whispered secrets heard only by nightingales and the stars. 26 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,040 Course it all ends in vodka and tattoos. 27 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,160 Mysterious babies and embarrassing confessions to your GP. 28 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,280 Ooh, gypsy cream. 29 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:11,560 -There! -That is a scientific miracle. 30 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,880 -If that got into the wrong hands... -Don't! 31 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:18,840 Now the room will stay fresh and sweet-smelling all day long. 32 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:23,840 'Cause let's be fair, this place smells like the High Chaparral in a heat wave. 33 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,360 Begging your pardon, ma'am, but them cattle out there are supposed to smell like that. 34 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,440 It's not the cattle out there that's bothering me. 35 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,080 Here, do I pong, then? 36 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:41,720 No. 37 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:43,960 What about me? 38 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,760 No. 39 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:49,680 Maybe just a little bit. 40 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:01,600 -Did you do everything that you wanted to do? -No, just the homework. 41 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:10,960 -Oh, Mrs Cakeworthy, how about a coffee? -Oh, thank you, sir, I couldn't drink another drop. 42 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,680 I've put a big pile of washing outside the bedroom door. 43 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,920 Oh, don't you worry, me dear, it shows the house is lived in. 44 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,760 -Couple of letters arrived, sir. -Hmm. 45 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:26,200 -Oh, this one's addressed to you. -Oh, that'll be for me, then. 46 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:32,120 Why don't you have your mail delivered to your own house? 47 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:36,240 -Well, my wife might see it. -You mean you're frightened she'll open it? 48 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:38,640 No, ma'am, she'll realise I'm still living there. 49 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:45,080 Oh, Bryan, jed, you better sit down. This concerns you as well. 50 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,200 What's going on? 51 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:51,200 We have been discussing the future of Rocky the bull and something has got to be done. 52 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,200 Yeah, he's been a big letdown. 53 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,360 You know why. The vet told you, the bull's gay. 54 00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:00,080 Maybe not, Master Tyler. You see, I've come up with a bit of a theory. 55 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,040 -It's my idea. -You just said it first. 56 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,200 -Yeah, but... -Farm manager! 57 00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,120 You see, the way things are now, we go out every evening, 58 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,240 we brings Rocky back to his barn and we leaves him there alone. 59 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:16,320 And in the future, we leave him out in the field with them cows all night. 60 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,360 -Why? -Because he might turn. 61 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,120 Yeah! 62 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,480 That is ridiculous. 63 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,560 Yeah! 64 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:31,640 I mean, look at David Bowie. For years he played for Hampstead Heath Wanderers, 65 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,360 next thing he's a happily married man. 66 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,800 If it was that simple, wouldn't the vet have suggested it months ago? 67 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,800 She's got a good point, sir. 68 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,240 What do you mean, ''she's got a good point''? It was your idea! 69 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,680 Oh, no, no, Bryan suggested it. 70 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,600 But I didn't realise how stupid it was until it was pointed out to me. 71 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:53,000 All right, I've heard enough of this. Rocky is going. I am going to sell him. 72 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,520 Sell him? Who's going to be thick enough to buy him? 73 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,240 Your father did. 74 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,080 And there's one thing you should remember, Tyler, 75 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,760 I was voted top London second-hand car salesman five years in succession. 76 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,920 ''I sold a jeep to john Lennon.'' 77 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,280 I sold a jeep to john Lennon. 78 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,680 I was a millionaire at 32. 79 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,920 -You never told me! -No? Oh, you must've been out. 80 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,320 Now, what I am saying is that I'm not just a successful farmer... 81 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:26,200 Successful farmer? You've got one gay bull and 300 miserable cows. 82 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,680 301 . 83 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,400 Be fair, Boycie! 84 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,480 Even Trigger wouldn't be stupid enough to buy Rocky. 85 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,440 Nag's Head, Peckham. 86 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:43,880 You're right. 87 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:48,000 You could always try selling him at the Royal Agricultural Christmas Ball. 88 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,880 -The what? -Unless I'm very much mistaken, 89 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,880 that's what this here envelope is. It's an invitation. 90 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,240 I've seen them envelopes many times before. 91 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:59,840 Well, of course, with all the yin floppins and the dowdly yorlops over the years, 92 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,680 -it's no surprise, is it? -Only just, eh? 93 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,440 She's right. 94 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:08,560 It's being held in some country hotel in Somerset. 95 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,320 It's �500 a ticket! 96 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:15,040 A monkey for an agricultural ball? They're having a laugh, aren't they? 97 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,440 What do they take me for? 98 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:22,680 Here. Wait a minute, how do they even know we lived here? 99 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:27,160 -No, it's just addressed to the owner. -The old squire used to go every year. Swore by it. 100 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,080 Said he had more business opportunities from that than anything else. 101 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,880 Arr, they'll all be there, country's biggest farmers, top business people. 102 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,680 Nobility, even royalty on occasions. 103 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,800 Really? Well, maybe we ought to go, Marlene. 104 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,520 But it's �500 a ticket. 105 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:46,640 Oh. Okay. 106 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,680 -You all right, gaffer? -Oh, no, not really. 107 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:55,160 It's this letter that arrived earlier. I've got something to tell you, sir. 108 00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:01,080 In a few weeks, I have to go into hospital to have surgery. 109 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,240 What's wrong, gaffer? 110 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,920 I've got what they calls a grumbling appendix. 111 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,240 Having your appendix out is nothing, is it? 112 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,680 That's what I used to say, as long as it was somebody else's appendix. 113 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,760 See, my father had his appendix out and they sent him home and... 114 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,200 he died in bed. 115 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,360 But that was 30 years later, weren't it? 116 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,800 Oh, yeah. 117 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:31,400 It were 30 years later, but my old mum always blamed that operation. 118 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,840 You see, I'm afraid it might be the curse of Winterdown Farm happening all over again. 119 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,760 -No. -Don't be silly. 120 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,400 The curse of Winterdown Farm? 121 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,440 Yeah, happened to the old squire, you see. 122 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,480 Had a run of bad luck like fate had it in for him. 123 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,720 And then in the end, like all the others before him, 124 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,520 the nightmares from the curse drove him mad. 125 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,040 But I wouldn't worry about it, if I were you. 126 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:01,560 They say that when you face the end, your life flashes before you. 127 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:06,520 Well, my memories are flooding back. I remember the night I met my wife. 128 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,840 Oh, God, we'll have to put him on suicide watch. 129 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,840 It was a warm spring evening, young people everywhere, 130 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,600 that pop record blaring out... 131 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:20,880 I thought they'd never end 132 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,680 My mate and me, we went into this pub. 133 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:27,800 Packed it was, and though you couldn't move for people, I saw her. 134 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,840 She was standing towards the back, 135 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,760 sexily chalking her cue. 136 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,720 She saw me and immediately this look came across her face. 137 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,680 I'll bet. 138 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,640 She had a sort of... 139 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:51,080 sort of glint in her eye and I said to my mate, ''I think I'm in here.'' 140 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:55,120 So I very coolly and calmly lit a roll-up. 141 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:59,160 Then I glanced back, she was still looking at me, still had that glint in her eye. 142 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,160 It was more of a twinkle, really. 143 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,160 It was ages before I realised it was glass. 144 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,360 She had a glass eye? 145 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:12,600 Happened when she was young, ma'am. Accident with a pigeon. 146 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,480 Ah, but as glass eyes go, it was a real stonker. 147 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,320 Oh, yeah, yeah. You couldn't tell unless you really looked. 148 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,600 There's something I'd like you to do for me, sir, as far as my Christmas bonus, 149 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:28,880 and farm manager's briefcase and all my other personal effects are concerned. 150 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:34,840 If the worst comes to the worst, would you give them to my wife? 151 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,360 Elgin. 152 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,680 Elgin, this is silly talk. 153 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,520 Christmas bonus. 154 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:54,200 Elgin, it's none of my business, but why do you want to leave everything to your wife? 155 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:59,120 She doesn't wanna know you, she doesn't even want you living in the same house. 156 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,960 Yeah, that's true. 157 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:05,920 But see, at the end of the day, she's all I've got. 158 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:20,480 -What's up with him? -Can't you tell? He's upset. 159 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:51,160 Boycie, it's been a long time. 160 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:56,120 Yeah. We been looking for you everywhere. 161 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,800 You remember us, don't you? 162 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,960 Of course he does. 163 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,440 We're the... 164 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,560 -Driscoll brothers! -Who? 165 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:05,760 -Where? -Why? 166 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,360 -What? -You just shouted out ''the Driscoll brothers''. 167 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:14,480 Oh, no, I was just having a dream, my little tadpole. Go back to sleep. 168 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,840 Excuse me, where are we? 169 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:21,120 MARLENE: This is the hotel where they're holding the Christmas Ball. 170 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:31,160 BOYCE: I asked you to hire us a nice car. 171 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:35,880 So, tell me again, Bryan, why, of all the cars in the world, you got this one? 172 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,400 Well, this is a nice car, sir. 173 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,080 It's a Mercedes. 174 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:45,160 -I know what it is. I was a second-hand car dealer. -Don't start, Boycie. 175 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:50,080 This has been the sole topic of conversation all the way from Shropshire to Somerset. 176 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,880 Yes, I know, but I would have preferred a larger one. 177 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,120 Yeah, it's annoying, innit? 178 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,640 Can you believe that? He didn't open my door. 179 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,880 -Well, you open it. -But he's my driver. He should open it. 180 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,280 (WHISPERING) Bryan. 181 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,600 -Arr. What is it, sir? -Will you open the door, please? 182 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,120 -Which door, sir? -This door. 183 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,320 -This door? -Yes, this door! 184 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:53,200 -What, this door that's already opened? -Yes! 185 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,400 But it's already open. 186 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,920 Yes, but as the driver, you should open it. 187 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,680 But I can't, sir. 188 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,080 -Why? -'Cause it's already open. 189 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,520 I mean, you can't open a door that's already open, can you? 190 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,040 I mean, that's impossible, eh? 191 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,760 -I mean, not even Paul Daniels can do that. -Shut up! 192 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,440 Keep the noise down. You're making a spectacle of us. 193 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,280 You'll have to close the door first. 194 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,560 -Which door? -This door! 195 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,360 MARLENE: A crowd is growing. 196 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,960 -This is the door you wanted open. -But now I want it closed. 197 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,720 They'll be selling tickets soon. 198 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:34,160 Let me see if I got this straight, you want me to close the door so's I can open it. 199 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,520 Yes! 200 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,280 Oh, well, this is really something, this is. 201 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,200 -How's that? -Thank you. 202 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,640 Actually, he should've opened my door before yours. 203 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,680 -Why? -Ladies first. 204 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,880 Oh, lighten up, Marlene. 205 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,680 -He's wearing Wellingtons. -Oh, good. 206 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,640 All settled in, sir? Ma'am? 207 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:13,000 Oh, yes, it's a lovely room. Internet, trouser press, says it all. 208 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:16,040 Bidet, minibar, the dog's whatsits. 209 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,800 Oh, good. Well, right, I'll be off, then. 210 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,800 I'll pick you up about 1 2:00. 211 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,920 Oh, and by the way, sir, 212 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:33,400 I got talking to a couple of fellows earlier. Very interested in you, they were. 213 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,400 -Asking all sorts of questions. -Really? 214 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:41,240 I told them what a successful man you've been. Whoa! They were impressed, sir. 215 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,800 Wait a minute. Two men? 216 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,080 We been looking for you everywhere. 217 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,760 Oh, my God! 218 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,560 Was one of them very tall and the other one much shorter? 219 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:52,800 No, ma'am. No. 220 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,280 -Did they have South London accents? -No, sir. No. 221 00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:00,600 So they didn't strike you as the type who might walk up and blow his head off? 222 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,680 -Blow Farmer Boyce's head off? -Shh! 223 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,160 Oh, sorry, sir. No, no, no. It was nothing like that. 224 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,960 In fact, it was the complete opposite. 225 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,560 They were both titled gentlemen. 226 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:20,120 So you both have a lovely time. I'll see you tomorrow, hmm? 227 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,200 Yes, yes, see you tomorrow. 228 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,080 Titled gentlemen, Marlene. 229 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,160 -Yeah, I heard. So? -So? 230 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,480 What do you mean, ''so''? 231 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,400 This could be another great opportunity for us. 232 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:42,160 I mean, we're already climbing up the social ladder faster than a fireman on a promise. 233 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,040 Now we're mixing with the nobility. 234 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,040 Wait a minute. What name shall I call you? 235 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,640 My real name. 236 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,840 -What, Aubrey? -Shh! 237 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,600 Yes, that name is acceptable in these circles. 238 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,520 We're in Tarquin and Giles country now. 239 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,920 Shall we? 240 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,760 Thank you. 241 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:15,320 Well, I'm feeling rather peckish. How about you, my dear? 242 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,520 Yes, I could just go a nice vol-au-vent. 243 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,920 Oh, hello there, Mr and Mrs Boyce. 244 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,040 -Pleasure to meet you, jonathan Cavendish. -Rupert Telford Scott. 245 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,120 -Delighted to make your acquaintance. -Yeah, nice to meet you. 246 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,440 -Your Grace. -Oh, thank you so much. 247 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,360 -My Lord. -Thank you, my dear. 248 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,040 Your Grace? 249 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,520 I'm so sorry. I haven't introduced us properly. 250 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,840 I'm actually the Duke of Longstanton and Rupert here... 251 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,840 I'm the Earl of Rhythorpe. But we rarely use our titles these days. 252 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:47,640 No, no. just Rupert and jonathan. 253 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,080 Well, jonty to friends. 254 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,400 Well, lovely to meet you, Rupert. 255 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:54,880 jonty. 256 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,760 -Allow me to introduce my wife, Tamara. -Lovely to meet you both. 257 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,680 -And this is my better half, Lucinda. -It's a great pleasure. 258 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,440 Oh, thank you. 259 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,040 This is Marlene. 260 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,240 -How do you do? -Hello. 261 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,400 -Marlene. -How do you do? 262 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,440 Delighted. And, uh... 263 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:16,800 Me? 264 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,840 (CLEARING THROAT) I'm... I'm... 265 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,560 -Au... Au... Au... -Almost there. 266 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,920 (STUTTERING) Aubrey. 267 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,480 Attaboy. 268 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,280 Lovely to meet you, Aubrey. 269 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:32,880 We've booked a little table out back for this evening. 270 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,960 Couple of slurps before the ball. 271 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,360 Now, you will join us, wont you? 272 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,080 -Marvellous. -Wonderful. 273 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,360 Fantastic. 274 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,760 -Terrific. -I'll see you later. 275 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:44,920 See you later. 276 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,640 There, you see, Marlene? 277 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,200 I said my name was Aubrey, and they didn't even flinch. 278 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,480 Well, in their world, they're used to stupid names, aren't they? 279 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,040 Yes. 280 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,240 Shall we mingle, Marlene? 281 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:02,840 Yes, let's. 282 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,000 -Aubrey. -Shh. 283 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:22,920 He checked into hospital this morning. What do you think they're doing to him? 284 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,960 I suppose they're running tests. 285 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,920 -You all right, jed? -Arr. 286 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,760 You can't help but worry about him, though, can you? 287 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,160 You can't help thinking of all the things that could go wrong. 288 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,120 Yeah, it plays on your mind, don't it? 289 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:39,200 Ah, yeah, well, that's only natural. But honestly, there's nothing to worry about. It's a lovely hotel. 290 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:42,920 -And the people there were really friendly. -I was talking about Elgin! 291 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,640 Oh, Elgin, he'll be all right. I mean, he's only got appendicitis, ain't he? 292 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:50,040 Did you know that if you're an astronaut you have to have your appendix out? 293 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:53,760 Really? How do they manage that in that little spaceship? 294 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,480 They have to have it out before the launch. 295 00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,080 Can't be a million miles up in space and your astronaut gets appendicitis, can you? 296 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,680 I never thought of that. 297 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,880 Yeah, but how do you stop an astronaut from having a heart attack? 298 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,480 Well, they have to have their hearts removed as well. 299 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,600 Really? 300 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,840 Yeah. 301 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,600 -Night, everyone. -Night. 302 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,000 Mrs C, can we talk to you? 303 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,840 MRS CAKEWORTHY: Yes, my dear. 304 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,640 You're an experienced woman, aren't you? 305 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,120 When you say ''experienced'', I'm not quite sure what you mean. 306 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,280 I've never climbed a mountain, 307 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,280 or travelled widely, or done white-water rafting 308 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:38,360 or indulged in exotic religions with litherings and bonters. 309 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:39,720 Nothing like that, thank you very much. 310 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,080 But as a teenager, I was very promiscuous. 311 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:45,880 Well, we just wanted to be certain. 312 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:50,840 Because love is a very private and precious thing between two people, isn't it? 313 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,000 It can be. 314 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:01,680 Your Grace, if you wouldn't mind, I'll pick up some details for the editor. 315 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,160 I wouldn't leave it too late, though. 316 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:07,040 This stuff is disappearing faster than politicians' promises. 317 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:12,720 Could we possibly return to our duties? This bottle is crying out for our help. 318 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,560 Well, I feel a bit underdressed, 319 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,200 what with you two in your Sergeant Pepper's clobber. 320 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:34,320 I wish I'd worn my regalia now. 321 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,440 You look lovely as you are, Aubrey. 322 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,040 Oh, thank you, Tamara. 323 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:43,920 Yes, and you'd look silly in your Boys' Brigade uniform. 324 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:49,560 No, no, my little earwig. I wasn't talking about the Boys' Brigade 325 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,480 I was just a kid. 326 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,160 I was thinking more of my Masonic regalia. 327 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:01,320 -Wonderful dinner, didn't you think? -Yes, lovely. 328 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:06,160 -Have I got food between me teeth? -I don't know, take them out and have a look. 329 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,000 To success. 330 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,920 -Success. -Success. 331 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:18,480 Talking of success, we were chatting with your man earlier, him of the Armani Wellingtons? 332 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,560 Oh, he's quite a character. 333 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,120 Yes, and he was telling us of your wonderful success story. 334 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,240 Used car trade, wasn't it? 335 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:31,440 Yes, I was the owner of the largest second-hand car conglomerate in South London. 336 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,400 I sold it a while back to an Arab consortium. 337 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:38,480 Sad to see it go, really. After all, it took me 30 odd years to build it up. 338 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,440 You must have had quite a reputation. 339 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:44,560 Yes, but they were from Kuwait, so they hadn't heard. 340 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,960 But I also owned the land that the showrooms were built upon. 341 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,560 And if you've got any idea of how much land is going for in London these days, 342 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,600 you'll get some idea of how much I sold for. 343 00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,600 Must've been a fortune! 344 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:03,200 Roman Abramovich phoned up last week and asked for a loan. 345 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,160 I wonder if you'd mind if I gave you my business card? 346 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,920 No, delighted. 347 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,320 RUPERT: Love to have one. 348 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,160 Thank you so much. 349 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:15,840 Thank you. 350 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,240 Would you like to give me one, Aubrey? 351 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,840 Yes. Of course, Tamara. 352 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,440 Thank you. 353 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,800 So, what game are you two in? 354 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,240 Well, for quite a few years, Rupert and I were in stud. 355 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:40,400 Mmm. 356 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,720 -Racehorses. Bloodstock. -Oh, right. 357 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,320 But about 1 0 years ago, we founded a little polo club down in Surrey. 358 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,200 Done rather well, actually. 359 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,640 The Prince of Wales has played there. 360 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,880 We've invited Charles to be our president 361 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:59,040 and he's happy to take the position, but sometime in the future. 362 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,680 Yes, we're not quite a big enough club just yet. 363 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,600 But we do have plans to extend the spectators' seating. 364 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,000 Build a new clubhouse, a state-of-the-art equine fitness centre. 365 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:11,360 We were hoping to bring it up to Olympic standard for 201 2. 366 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,840 So, what's the problem? 367 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,600 It's the age-old one, Aubrey. 368 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,240 Money. 369 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:23,080 But I thought you two, you know, a duke and an earl. 370 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:28,640 Oh, no, no, my dear. The Inland Revenue took the family money back in Harold Wilson's time. 371 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,720 Been the banks, spoken to the city... 372 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,920 Interest rates are crippling. 373 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,040 -jonty even promised them a knighthood. -Hmm. 374 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:43,240 Well, he has the ear of a certain female cousin. She's rather high up. 375 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,960 -Likes corgis. -Oh, shh, shh! 376 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:52,120 -Darling, I don't mean to be a bore. -Well, then, don't be, darling. 377 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,800 You and Rupert are not businessmen. 378 00:23:54,880 --> 00:24:00,000 She's right. You're hunters. You're sportsmen. But you're certainly not businessmen. 379 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:04,520 You should ask Aubrey to look at your books. He's a born entrepreneur. 380 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,440 He'll give you better advice than some City whiz kid. 381 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,360 Yes, well, perhaps we should do that. 382 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,160 Well, some other time, this isn't the place to talk business. 383 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,120 Now, I don't know about you two, 384 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,840 but my old bones can't cope with any more dancing. 385 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,400 How about a game of snooker? 386 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,160 Count me in. Aubrey? 387 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,120 Yes. 388 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:25,560 Ladies. 389 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:38,120 So, are you enjoying life in the country, Marlene? 390 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:42,160 Oh, yes, my husband and I have always loved nature. 391 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:48,960 A short while ago Boyce... Aubrey and I applied to join the National Front. 392 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,560 Trust, the National Trust. 393 00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:00,680 -The Trust. And are you enjoying it? -No, they turned us down. 394 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:09,760 Oh, unlucky. 395 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,920 You know, I'm sure this table's sloping to the right. 396 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:19,440 I was thinking about what you were saying earlier about your polo club. 397 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:20,640 Oh, what about it? 398 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,200 Well, maybe you don't have to go begging to the City and the bank. 399 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,320 Maybe you could raise the capital by another source. 400 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:28,600 Such as? 401 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,920 Such as me. 402 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,760 Are you serious, old boy? 403 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,480 Oh, yes, I am serious. 404 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,200 I mean, I'm not doing it for the knighthood. 405 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,600 Although I wouldn't turn it down. I mean, that'd be rude, wouldn't it? 406 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,520 Oh, yes, rather. 407 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:51,840 Now, you see, if your club was to build the extension and the fitness centre 408 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:55,200 and then be chosen as a venue for the Olympics, 409 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,760 it would double in value overnight. 410 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,720 Well, yes, I suppose it would. 411 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,240 And that to me is good business. 412 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:05,520 Oh. 413 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,080 How much do you think it'd cost? 414 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,000 Difficult to say. 415 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,120 Last quote was...one and a half million? 416 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:23,160 -Oh, bad luck. -That's a shame. 417 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,320 Sorry. Bit rusty. 418 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,760 But they must be insured for this sort of thing, don't you think? 419 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,600 Oh, oh, I'm certain of it. 420 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:35,720 Listen, old chap, if you're serious about becoming a partner in our polo club, 421 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:39,520 let's meet privately and do the business in a civilised manner. 422 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,000 Couldn't agree more. 423 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:44,720 Once lawyers become involved everything gets so terribly fraught. 424 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:48,320 -Have you any plans for Christmas? -No, nothing special. 425 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,760 Well, how about this? I have a chalet over in Switzerland, St Moritz. 426 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,440 Now, Rupert and Lucinda are flying over for Christmas, 427 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,480 why don't you and Marlene join us? 428 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:59,480 We can sing a few carols, bit of a snowball fight. 429 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,240 Some apr�s ski and, well, then discuss contracts. 430 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,080 Well, it is a bit sudden. 431 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:07,040 But, no, that'd be wonderful. Thank you very much, jonty. 432 00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:09,320 I better go and tell Marlene. 433 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,480 Give her a chance to get a new set of skis. 434 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,560 You won't be long, will you, Aubrey? 435 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:19,600 No, back in a couple of shakes, Tamara. 436 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,040 So, has he taken the bait? 437 00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:32,120 Taken it? You having a laugh? He threw himself on the hook like a kamikaze trout. 438 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:34,840 He's perfect! 439 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:38,440 Social ambitions and a few million quid. 440 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,840 And he's called Aubrey. 441 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,600 It's a good job we hired that chalet in St Moritz. 442 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,920 Oh, we're not skiing again? 443 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,120 Oh, I can't stand skiing. 444 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:53,320 -It's only until Aubrey comes across... -Ah, ah, ah, Sir Aubrey. 445 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:57,000 Till Sir Aubrey comes across with the dosh and then we're away, 446 00:27:57,080 --> 00:28:00,080 leaving them with a cuckoo clock and a fondue set for Christmas. 447 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:04,240 And once Aubrey and Marlene are getting themselves chucked out of Buckingham Palace, 448 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,280 we will be sipping Krug in Caesar's Palace. 449 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,760 (FAKE POSH ACCENT) Don't you'll just love this time of year? 450 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:17,040 LLEWELLYN: So, you've got the majority of them safely in the barns, yeah? 451 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:18,400 Yeah. 452 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:20,640 Have you seen my passport? 453 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,840 No, but I'd like to. 454 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:25,720 I enjoy a good laugh. 455 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,720 I thought it was here. 456 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:31,040 They've all been provided with hay, so they're fed and watered. 457 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:33,640 Ah, Farmer Boyce, you seen the magazine? 458 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,560 You and your good lady are in this month's issue. 459 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,960 -Oh, really? -Yeah, look at that. 460 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:44,800 The Duke of Longstanton, the Earl of Rhythorpe and Aubrey and Marlene Boyce. 461 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:50,400 It says you'll all be spending Christmas together in a chalet in Street Moritz, Switzerland. 462 00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:54,040 -Yes. -Aubrey? 463 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:57,760 -What? -Is that your name? Aubrey? 464 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:02,040 Oh, no, no, that's a typing error. 465 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,280 It should read, um... 466 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:07,440 Ashley. Yes, Ashley, Ashley Boyce. 467 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:11,640 Wait a minute. 468 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:15,680 What in God's name are you doing in my house? 469 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,080 I'm your new farm manager. 470 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:23,760 Temporary, of course, till Elgin gets back from sick leave. 471 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:25,840 Didn't Mrs Boyce tell you? 472 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:29,160 -No, she didn't! And who employed you? -Elgin did, sir. 473 00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:31,880 It's in both our interests, Farmer Boyce. 474 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:35,360 You need someone with experience to keep this place going, 475 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,440 and I have to make sure this farm doesn't go under, 476 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,160 otherwise you might be forced to sell, 477 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:43,560 and what will the new owners do with it, hmm? 478 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,560 I could wake up one morning next to a theme park. 479 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:53,080 And with Goofy and Donald running things here, it's a bit of a Mickey Mouse outfit as it is. 480 00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:57,640 -Well, I suppose it makes sense. -It's for the best, sir. 481 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,800 But let's understand one thing. 482 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:04,560 I'm working here for the reasons I've just given, plus wages, of course, 483 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,240 but it doesn't mean I like you. 484 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:11,200 No. And I'm letting you work here for the reasons you've just given... 485 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:15,760 -Plus wages, of course. -Plus wages. But it doesn't mean I like you, either. 486 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:20,520 Good! You're English, I'm Welsh, we can't like each other. It's the law. 487 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:26,680 -It's nice to detest you. -Same here. Shake on it. 488 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:33,760 Aw! It's nice to see you two getting along with each other at last. 489 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:35,200 Hmm! 490 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:40,000 You see? You look hard enough, you'll find good in everyone. 491 00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:42,080 Except the Nazi party. 492 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:46,040 joseph Stalin, Pol Pot and Gordon Ramsay. 493 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:51,240 Find good in him? I think he's the most smug and stupid man I've ever met. 494 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:54,960 Don't you dare say things like that about my husband! 495 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,440 At least not until you get to know him better. 496 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:02,120 Ooh, look, we're in the magazine! 497 00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:04,120 Lovely! 498 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:08,920 Earl, come on. Oh, give that to me! Give it back to me, you stupid animal! 499 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:15,240 Look what that stupid dog has done to this ski stick! 500 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:17,360 Oh, love him. 501 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,440 I'm never going to get the hang of this skiing lark. 502 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:26,960 Look at these boot holes. I could get my feet and a three-piece suite in each of them. 503 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:30,240 They're my skis. Yours are in the bedroom. 504 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:31,480 Oh. 505 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:35,600 It was a good picture in the magazine, weren't it? 506 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:39,680 Well, it's a good shot of me. You spoilt yours by smiling. 507 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:45,840 Where is my passport? The minicab's going to be here in an hour. 508 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:49,200 In the bedroom. It's in the envelope your solicitor sent it back in. 509 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:52,440 -Boycie, I'm worried. -What about? 510 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:55,880 This polo club, how much money they want you to put in? 511 00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:00,120 Oh, hardly anything. It's my experience they're interested in. 512 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,480 What experience have you had with horses? 513 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:07,160 I mean, in Peckham the only time we ever saw horses was during a riot. 514 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:12,640 Now we got to go and watch a load of fat blokes riding around whacking little balls with hammers. 515 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,400 They are not horses, they are ponies. 516 00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:19,760 And they are not whacking little balls with hammers, they are striking them with mallets. 517 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:25,040 Yeah, well, when we get to Switzerland, you get too close to that Tamara tart 518 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:29,720 and you'll find out what striking little balls with a ski sticks is all about. 519 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:34,040 For God's sake, Marlene, Tamara was only being friendly. 520 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:38,720 Yeah, you see that sort of friendliness every Sunday in the News of the World. 521 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,360 Hello, darling. 522 00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,160 The dog chewed your gloves up. 523 00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:45,240 -Aw. -Love him. 524 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:49,200 Oh, my poor boy. 525 00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:52,720 There's lots of food in the freezer and there's loads of presents under the tree. 526 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:55,040 We'll open some of them before the minicab arrives, shall we? 527 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:59,080 -Yeah, whatever. -Now, you're not going to be alone over Christmas. 528 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:00,960 No, I suppose the dog'll be here. 529 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:02,440 It's better than that. 530 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:04,640 I've spoken with Bethany's parents, 531 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:08,440 and they don't mind you and her spending Christmas together. 532 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:11,200 Really? Oh, thank God for liberals. 533 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:17,040 Yeah, Llewellyn said he'll drive you over to Beth's mum and dad's house on Christmas Eve. 534 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:18,800 I've got to stay with her parents? 535 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:22,840 Oh, great! And this is the season to be jolly. 536 00:33:32,880 --> 00:33:34,520 Winterdown Farm. 537 00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:38,440 Llewellyn ap Cradog, acting farm manager speaking. 538 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,880 Oh, hello, Hughie. 539 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:44,920 Yes, I'm helping Farmer Boyce out while Elgin's in dry dock. 540 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:46,400 What? 541 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:50,800 Yes, I suppose he does a bit, eh? 542 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:53,680 Only Eva Braun could tell them apart. 543 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,520 Yes, right. Right, I'll tell him. 544 00:33:56,600 --> 00:34:01,600 That was your minicab driver. He says he's going to be a bit late. 545 00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:03,960 -But how late? -A couple of days. 546 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:06,080 A couple of days? 547 00:34:06,160 --> 00:34:08,080 Well, the roads are blocked with snow. 548 00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:10,720 What snow? It's only a few flakes. 549 00:34:18,720 --> 00:34:20,560 Try the other door! 550 00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:32,960 -How long's it been snowing? -All morning. 551 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:39,160 Why didn't you tell me it was snowing this heavy? 552 00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:41,440 Oh, I didn't know it was snowing. Honest. 553 00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:45,240 You didn't know? You built a snowman out there. 554 00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:47,400 What makes you think I built the snowman? 555 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:50,080 Because look where the carrot is. 556 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:52,360 It's good, innit? 557 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,000 Wait a moment. 558 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,680 That means if people can't get into this farm, 559 00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,000 me and the others can't get out. 560 00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:02,880 We're marooned here. 561 00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,080 For Christmas. 562 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:08,280 Thank you, Santa. 563 00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,920 How long do you think we'll be trapped here? 564 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:14,760 I phoned my wife earlier, 565 00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:18,880 and she said the weather forecasters reckon it could be a month. 566 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:20,680 A month? 567 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,600 No, that was when my sister's baby's due. 568 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,240 -You phone Switzerland? -Yeah, yeah, I keep ringing, but there's no reply. 569 00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:32,480 Oh, don't worry about it. They'll ring you. You gave them your business card. 570 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,760 No, no, I've just checked. But the cards I gave them are my old business cards 571 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,000 with my addresses and phone numbers in Peckham. 572 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:40,920 I'll just go and try them again. They're most probably on the piste. 573 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:44,840 Not the worst idea I've ever heard. Let's have another drink. 574 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:55,800 Have you always been a woman? 575 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:02,160 Well, of course she's always been a woman. 576 00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:06,040 You have, haven't you? 577 00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:07,440 Of course I have. 578 00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:11,040 Well, of course she has. Have you been helping yourself to that drink? 579 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:12,640 No. 580 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:15,120 When I was younger, I did a bit of modelling. 581 00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:16,280 What, clay? 582 00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:20,720 No, glamour. 583 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:23,320 It was for Poultry Breeders Monthly. 584 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:25,640 It was nothing too strong, you understand. 585 00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:28,280 None of that gocklin and belicky burrs in the dullerms. 586 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:31,560 Oh, no, not for me. Nothing like that, thank you very much. 587 00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:35,160 No, it was what the photographer called egg erotica. 588 00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:38,160 And I was a beauty queen. 589 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:39,440 Really? 590 00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:41,040 I mean, really? 591 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:44,400 Yes, it was when I worked for the local council. 592 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:47,560 I was Miss Parks, Cemeteries and Allotments. 593 00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:50,160 And do you know what the runner-up said? 594 00:36:50,240 --> 00:36:51,800 Baaa. 595 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,560 That's it. Get out of this room! Go on, get out! 596 00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:07,040 Baaa. 597 00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,120 Your friends still not answering, sir? 598 00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:17,080 I can't understand it. I mean, maybe they've gone out to dinner. 599 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:20,320 Hey, talking of dinner, I hope Mrs Boyce has got enough food in, 600 00:37:20,520 --> 00:37:22,440 'cause we could be here quite a while. 601 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,760 And I don't want to go catching that there anorexia. 602 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:30,800 Men don't get anorexia, jed. 603 00:37:31,240 --> 00:37:33,400 It's a woman's thing, like bingo. 604 00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:39,160 My Myrtle suffered from it. Yeah, nobody could do nothing about it. 605 00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:42,840 Oh, yeah, she loved her bingo, did my Myrtle. 606 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:45,560 That's where she met him! 607 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,080 Who's Myrtle? 608 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:49,640 Bryan's ex-fianc�. They broke up some while back. 609 00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:51,880 They were engaged for 1 0 years. 610 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:53,920 Sadly, she never even gave it a chance. 611 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,840 You and young Bethany should take notice of this. 612 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:03,240 There's a moral in this tale of human tragedy, heartbreak and deceit. 613 00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:07,200 Mind you, you can't help but have a chuckle. 614 00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:10,120 Oh, God help us all! 615 00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:12,200 Is everything all right, Farmer Boyce? 616 00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:15,360 Nothing that a snow plough and a private jet wouldn't cure. 617 00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:22,360 Since then, I've been very wary and very cautious about which women I let get close to me. 618 00:38:22,720 --> 00:38:24,960 -And how many have there been? -None. 619 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:27,400 None! 620 00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:32,320 And her, of all people! Her, with her face like a bean bag. 621 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:36,760 And them garpin werry tittlies hanging around like bloodhound's ears. 622 00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,400 I bet she blacked a few eyes in a Mexican wave. 623 00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,920 Boycie, Mrs Cakeworthy's a glamour model. 624 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:51,400 Yeah, and Michael jackson's covered in freckles. 625 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,240 Well, if that's how you're going to be, 626 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,840 we'll go to another room until your mood has changed. 627 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:15,160 It's none of my business, Farmer Boyce, and I won't pretend I care, 628 00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:17,920 but you seem somewhat stressed. 629 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:22,480 Stressed? I'm suffering from more tension then the hinges on Pavarotti's fridge door! 630 00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:26,800 I've just lost the best business opportunity of my entire life! 631 00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:30,440 By now, I should be sitting in a toboggan on the top of Matterhorn 632 00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:31,880 one cheque away from a knighthood. 633 00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:35,680 Oh, dear, I can see how galling that must be. 634 00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:40,440 Do you think it has anything to do with your curse? 635 00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:45,160 Now, look here. Marlene may be many things, but don't you ever accuse her of being... 636 00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:50,000 I am talking about the curse of Winterdown Farm. 637 00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:55,840 That malevolent spell whereby all the owners have been struck down by insanity, 638 00:39:55,920 --> 00:40:01,120 always preceded by a plague of diabolical misfortune. 639 00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:04,440 Those the gods wish to destroy, 640 00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,360 first they make mad. 641 00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:13,160 Why are you talking like this? 642 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:15,960 I'm Welsh. 643 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:23,440 Oh, yeah. 644 00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:29,280 Look at the facts and the pernicious irony of your situation. 645 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:33,080 Your skiing trip being cancelled due to snow. 646 00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:37,200 Then, your newfound friendships, which have by now been shattered. 647 00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:42,960 Then your farm manager, who you rely on for the safe running of this farm and this house, 648 00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:47,520 suddenly snatched from you, leaving you vulnerable and unguarded. 649 00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:51,000 And now, your telly's broken down. 650 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:55,520 (GASPS) Well, that's just snow on the aerial. That's perfectly natural. 651 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:57,920 Is it natural? 652 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:03,280 Or supernatural? 653 00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:08,960 Wait a minute. I get it now. 654 00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:11,880 -It's you. -What? 655 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:15,040 Everything bad has happened since you arrived. 656 00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:16,960 No. Now, don't talk rot, boyo. 657 00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:21,280 You came into this house and the snow followed. 658 00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:23,920 You walked in and opportunity did a runner. 659 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:25,960 That telly was all right until you got here. 660 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:28,320 Now, you calm down! 661 00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:30,640 It might be Channel 5. 662 00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:35,760 This is like that james Stewart film, innit? 663 00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:38,320 It's a Wonderful Life, only in reverse. 664 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:42,560 Instead of Clarence the angel, I've got Llewellyn the hobgoblin! 665 00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:46,600 Now I know what I've got to do. 666 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:48,480 You take it easy now, boy. 667 00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:52,240 Yes, it's hard to find a silver bullet on Christmas night, 668 00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:54,840 but I've got a wooden stake. 669 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:57,880 You're a lunatic, you are! You're a lunatic! 670 00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:00,400 Leave me alone! Leave me alone! 671 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:03,600 Now, that's made me feel better already. 672 00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:09,800 -Is there a key to this door? -No, there isn't. What's wrong? 673 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:11,480 Your husband, he's gone mad. 674 00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:13,760 No, that's just his face. 675 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:15,640 No, there's something in his eyes. 676 00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:20,120 Look, he's had a lot of disappointment and a lot of drink. He's just not himself. 677 00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:24,520 No! If Farmer Boycie was simply not himself, I wouldn't be complaining. It would be a blessing. 678 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,840 But believe me, he is possessed. 679 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:33,160 The next stage is the incoherent rumblings of the darkened mind. 680 00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:36,480 Oh, this is a gawklin with sparsles, this is. 681 00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:38,440 Oh, thank God for ginger nuts. 682 00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:44,120 At this moment, he is roaming about with a sharpened end of a ski stick in one hand 683 00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:46,840 and a Yuletide log in the other. 684 00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:50,440 -Maybe he's just playing Give Us A Clue. -No, 'cause it's like that film, innit? 685 00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:51,840 -Ain't it? -What film? 686 00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:55,960 Well, you know, the one where it starts off all nice and sunny, then things all go wrong. 687 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:59,240 I know the one. Where they're all trapped in that big old house. 688 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:01,360 -And it's night. -And in the snow. 689 00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:05,120 -Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo. -No. 690 00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:07,440 It's jack Nicholson, The Shining. 691 00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:09,480 -Yeah, that's it. -Yes! 692 00:43:12,240 --> 00:43:13,840 On the door! 693 00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:17,320 -just over here. -There, put it there. 694 00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:23,320 Here's Aubrey. 695 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:35,040 jed, I think my dad was having a laugh. 696 00:43:35,240 --> 00:43:37,160 Yeah, so was I. 697 00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:08,960 I've got a son of my own, Your Majesty. 698 00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:11,480 Oh. 699 00:44:11,720 --> 00:44:15,920 Hello, Tamara, I didn't expect to see you here at the palace. 700 00:44:17,600 --> 00:44:20,520 Behave yourself, Tamara. 701 00:44:22,720 --> 00:44:24,680 Oh, all right, then. 702 00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:37,960 What's all the noise? 703 00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:39,720 Oh, it's you, sir. 704 00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:43,960 For one terrible moment, I mistook you for my wife. 705 00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:48,080 Your wife? 706 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,840 Yes, sir. It was the eye patch. 707 00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,560 But he's got a moustache. 708 00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:56,520 I know. It's uncanny. 709 00:44:59,520 --> 00:45:02,720 I thought you were supposed to be in Switzerland. 710 00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:05,240 Mr Boyce had a bit of an accident. 711 00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:09,680 Oh. Is that why you've got a plaster on your nose and your arm's in a sling? 712 00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:12,400 No, we're just on our way to a fancy dress party, 713 00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:14,520 and I'm going as an idiot. 714 00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:19,360 Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear about your misfortune, but it's not all bad news. 715 00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:20,600 -No? -No. 716 00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:23,200 My operation was a success. 717 00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:26,120 It just gets better and better, doesn't it? 718 00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:29,840 What's that? 719 00:45:29,920 --> 00:45:32,480 Bryan and jed are on the roof fixing your aerial. 720 00:45:32,720 --> 00:45:38,120 The doctor said an occasional glass of brandy would help speed my recovery. 721 00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:39,920 There's a bottle in the garage. 722 00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:41,560 There's a bottle in the garage. 723 00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:43,040 I'll go. 724 00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:45,640 Me stitches are nearly healed. 725 00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,800 Oh, my eye's still hurting. 726 00:45:49,960 --> 00:45:51,120 Hmm. 727 00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:53,360 Still, I should count meself lucky. 728 00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:57,240 I could put up Optrex in. Elgin's wife would have to use Windowlene. 729 00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:05,120 Well, at least my sense of humour's coming back. 730 00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:07,320 Is it? Good. 731 00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:10,240 Oh, telly's back on. 732 00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:13,720 Thank God for that, I thought we were going to have to sit here and talk. 733 00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:18,560 FIONA BRUCE: ...dangerous. If you know anything about them at all, call us here. 734 00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:22,480 And finally here on Crimewatch. Well, we often come across cases that seem convoluted, 735 00:46:22,560 --> 00:46:27,920 but the one we're about to show you now has more twists and turns than a plate of spaghetti. 736 00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:31,360 The people involved in these events are British, but it happened abroad 737 00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:33,840 in the fashionable skiing resort of St Moritz. 738 00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:37,760 On the 23rd of December, four British tourists arrived at this beautiful chalet, 739 00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:41,480 hoping to spend an idyllic white Christmas in the bracing alpine air. 740 00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:43,440 It's Tamara and Lucinda. 741 00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:45,160 And Rupert and jonty. 742 00:46:45,240 --> 00:46:47,960 NICK ROSS: In fact, they were no ordinary tourists. 743 00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:51,040 They are four international confidence tricksters. 744 00:46:51,160 --> 00:46:55,480 They're well known to the police and they're on wanted lists in four different countries. 745 00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:58,920 They'd only been in the chalet a few hours, when it seems there was a knock on the door 746 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,560 and two men joined the party. 747 00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:02,680 Now, we're not sure what happened after that. 748 00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:06,120 According to neighbours, nobody left the chalet for the next two days. 749 00:47:06,200 --> 00:47:08,880 FIONA BRUCE: Swiss police are questioning two British brothers, 750 00:47:08,960 --> 00:47:13,080 who are known underworld gang bosses Daniel and Antony Driscoll, 751 00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:14,800 from Peckham in South London. 752 00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:18,000 NICK ROSS: The Driscoll brothers are maintaining they're under silence. 753 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:21,720 The problem is that the other four are still too traumatised to speak. 754 00:47:21,840 --> 00:47:25,880 There are rumours that one important person was missing from this gathering. 755 00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:30,480 If you know who the missing guest might have been, please call us in the studio, 756 00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:35,280 or the incident room on 0808 1 570 000. 757 00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:38,040 We'll be back with Crimewatch Update later. 758 00:47:38,120 --> 00:47:43,120 Meantime, as we always say, don't have nightmares, do sleep well. Good night. 759 00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:48,800 -I was the missing guest. -Yeah. 760 00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:52,320 They didn't mention me, did they? 761 00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:56,960 The Driscoll brothers flew all the way to Switzerland to... 762 00:47:57,280 --> 00:47:59,800 But how did they know I'd be there? 763 00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:04,520 That picture in the magazine. It said we were flying to St Moritz for Christmas. 764 00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:07,800 Somebody must've seen it. And read it to them. 765 00:48:08,240 --> 00:48:11,920 So, it's not the curse of Winterdown Farm after all. 766 00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:14,880 The snow and all this saved me. 767 00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:18,920 -Yeah. -You know what this means, don't you, Marlene? 768 00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:22,160 -Somebody up there likes me. -Yeah. 769 00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:24,680 Makes a change, don't it? 770 00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:27,720 -Right, all fixed, sir. -Yeah, we'll be on our way now. 771 00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:31,560 No, stay, have a drink. I'm celebrating. 772 00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:35,320 Elgin, see if there's a bottle of Asti Spumante in the fridge. 773 00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:39,400 -What we celebrating, sir? -A little thing called life, jed. 774 00:48:39,480 --> 00:48:42,800 -A little thing called life. -Well, I'm glad. 775 00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:47,840 They've just spent the whole of Christmas snowed in with the Driscoll brothers. 776 00:48:48,080 --> 00:48:52,800 And we've just spent the whole of Christmas snowed in with the Chuckle Brothers. 777 00:48:57,280 --> 00:49:00,600 All the noise and the mess 778 00:49:00,680 --> 00:49:05,760 To somewhere where the birds still sing? 779 00:49:07,320 --> 00:49:11,000 And a country house 780 00:49:11,080 --> 00:49:14,200 781 00:49:14,280 --> 00:49:17,920 It'll come to pass 782 00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:21,000 783 00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:24,560